A weird fucking day
by Captain Raeven
Summary: A bit of a comedic take on 40k, probably a one off
1. Chapter 1

This is probably a one off, basically I sat down and decided to try a more comedic take on the 40k grimdark universe

As I laid face first in the mud, las rifle in hand, and a veritable horde of orks charging my position, I found myself contemplating options. Number one, run like fuck and hope orks are as bad at shooting as everyone says, number two, bury my face in the mud and reassess my commitment to the breathing enterprise, or three, get up, put my man pants on and go down fighting, screaming bloody murder and for the emperor, and hope the bolter bitch hears it and puts in a good word for me. After noticing the commissar's bolt pistol, I went for option three.

I hauled myself out of the dirt, and stood on the parapet, unleashing las fire from the hip, I even gave the for the emperor a good go too, although there was too much mud on my face for it to come out as anything but "furr thhhr emprrr" with considerably more spluttering.

It was at this point i found out people who call lasguns flashlights have a point. I unloaded holy fury into a burly charging ork, and to my credit, it probably saved my life, one of the beams hit him in the eye, so instead of barreling into me with enough force to break every one of my ribs, he hit the commissar next to me while flailing.

The commissar, I think his name was Dunsen, died rather quickly, as his head was caved in by one massive fist.

I looked down at my lasgun, then at his bolt pistol. Then did the logical thing and threw my lasgun at the ork, ran forwards, scooped up the pistol, and put a round into the lasgun, now speared into his chest. The explosion was rather satisfying.

To complete the set I quickly stole his combat blade, I rather thought I'd need it considering. My view of glorious death in battle came entirely from imperium propaganda, and the guy fighting almost always had a sword.

I glanced over my shoulder to see the sister, probably the sole reason most of us were still breathing. She was fighting off two huge orks, beating one senseless with the butt of her bolter, while carving the other a new arsehole with her chain sword.

The thought flashed through my mind that perhaps I should stop watching her kill things and do some of it myself, the thought was kindly punctuated by an axe flying over my head. The ork who threw the axe looked at me for a second, and I looked at him, he looked at the bolt pistol, yelled "WAHHGGGHHHH" and ran at me. That just made the bullet hit him harder and his head explode that little bit more.

Orks are amazingly stupid, after seeing two of their mates get turned to shrapnel, they ran straight at me and got bolter shells to the face. In the momentary lull caused by obliterating three of the enemy in less than five seconds, I took the time to notice, the only people left standing, out of the three hundred alive this morning. Was me and the sister. ~fuck, I'm going to die. I'm going to die with only a nun for company~ I was brought out of my trance by the most violent list of expletives I'd ever heard, and I'm

pretty creative with my curses, that ended in a burst of bolter fire and a spray of blood.

"Guardsmen! To me in the emperors name!" Another volley of bolter shells. Another ork took one of my bolts, in the chest this time, the thought occurred to me I had no idea how many rounds I had left.

As ordered I ran to her side, testing out my newly stolen sword on the way by swinging it full force into an orks face. It went straight through and kept on going, leaving a bemused looking greenskin with one eye, half a nose and a lot less blood.

It was at this point I caught her eye, her helmet turning to me. they say first impressions count, and to a sister, there isn't a better one than running towards her, covered in blood, with a freshly half decapitated ork behind you. I assumed I looked pretty badass, even if I was half shitting myself.

It was at that moment, she realised we were alone, against at least a hundred orks. She faced the prospect of her imminent death rather well. "I said guardsmen! Not guardsman! Who gave all of you permission to die?!" Shouting at corpses may seem idiotic, but it made me smile and confused the hell out of the greenskins.

"Who should we ask for permission to die?" I raise my arm to fire again, bracing for the recoil this time. Blowing the brain out of another orks skull, soon followed by his face. "Do not ask permission if you do not, guardsman, it's rude." Under that helmet, I swear she was grinning. Nothing gets a sisters blood pumping like slaughter, I suppose.

I smiled at him, the last guardsman alive, who would most likely be my companion on the long walk to terra and the emperor's side. At least he was competent, I fully expect to take at least half of these xenos with me. Another wave of greenskins is almost upon us, my bolter spits holy retribution. 'In battle all sins are cleansed by fire' that's what Sister superior Hedia said. Combat is truly glorious, to do the emperors work is good, the older sisters always said. They never mention how good it feels, to mow down hundreds of filthy xenos for countless crimes against the imperium. By the golden throne I have to smell it, recycled air cannot compare to the iron stench of blood. I tossed my helmet to the ground, the tactical information basically worthless now anyway. The tang of blood filled my nostrils, such a sweet smell to come from xenos.

She's lost it... For sure she's gone mad, a hundred... Only about eighty now actually, but the point stands, orks bearing down on us and she's spaced out. The strain of firing a bolt pistol one handed is getting to me, bones juddering with each shot. Standing on top of the ruined defensive line, blowing greenskins apart with each shot... Not going to lie I felt like a badass. Well, until I ran out of ammo. The hammer hit home, my arm was braced, but instead of the bone shuddering boom of the bolt igniting, I was met with a empty clunk. "Shit... Shit shit shit" the bolt pistol served its final purpose as I hurled it at an orks head. The big bastard reeled, a gash in his head. The shock gave me enough time to ram my sword into his guts, the look of surprise on his face may have been worth the smack I took from his mate. Probably not. His huge fist connected with my helmet, sending me flying. In the brief moment of weightlessness I prepared for the landing. It wasn't enough, blackness engulfed my vision.

The guardsman hit the ground with a audible thud, his body going limp. Another brave servant of the emperor dead, xeno scum. "Feel the might of the Emperor's wrath, scum!" My bolter once more became an instrument of his unending fury, the joy of battle flowed through me. I couldn't stop myself. I ran forwards, bolter still firing I hit the first of them with my shoulder, his neck snapping back with a crunch. "Ey boyz, itz one dem big umies!" His head exploded, a bolt slamming home. The three greenskins standing over the guardsman's still body reeled as fragments of bone rained down on them. My chainsword carved a bloody swath through them, ceramite teeth ripping into flesh, shredding bone. A huge ork, covered in slabs of plasteel, with a claw like power swords strapped to his hand made his way up the embankment. "Yous a fightsy one ain't ya? Warboss smash ead'll be well appy when I bring ya ead to im."

He lunged, opening his claw to strike me. Cracking a smile, I jumped, shoulder first into his face, as several tonnes of ceramite crashed into his skull, I brought my chainsword up, engine roaring. His claw closed around it, wrenching it from my hands. "Right ya git! I've had enough of you!" His left fist hit me in the gut, the plating taking most of the force, but sending me sliding backwards none the less. I spat. "I'm going to rip your fucking teeth out." He swung, i dodged, closing the gap and punching him square in the jaw, it crunched satisfyingly as it broke. "Oww, whd yu doo dert?" His neck snapped with a loud grinding crunch. Body hitting the floor like a tonne of bricks.

I'm in a forest... Must have left the line... Why am I looking at a sister of battle's arse? Oh She's carrying me... I'm looking at her arse. That's it, I'm going to be executed for this. Oh well, way as well enjoy the view for now. "I know you're conscious guardsman, and I know you're looking at my ass" fuck

"Please don't kill me" she laughs, a deep booming sound, about as far removed from girly as is possible. "Don't worry, I'm not going to kill you, I could do with the company." All of the air left my lungs in one whoosh. "Touch my ass, then I'll kill you"

hell, I've found the only sister with a sense of humour... Wait she isn't a psyker is she, if she can read my mind I'm so dead

"Are you going to say anything else?"

Okay she can't read my mind.

"Erm, uhh... Do you want to put me down? I can walk" you're a fucking idiot, now she probably thinks you're a simpleton.

That laugh again, her voice is quite probably deeper than mine, I'm not sure how I feel about that yet.

"Very well guardsman, use your own two feet" she deposits me with a light thud on my feet, a fully armoured guardsman, I must weigh over a hundred kilos, and she's throwing me about like a ragdoll. I have to incline my head uncomfortably upwards to look her in the eyes.

"So... Erm... Hi... Er I mean hello my lady" I don't think I've hit the ground faster in my life, down on one knee jax, hope not to die.

A few seconds pass. Nothing...

I look up and she's grinning at me, barely holding back fits of laughter.

"What? This is what I'm supposed o do right?" My voice comes out a little indignant.

"Well yes... But it's still so funny! You're actually terrified! God emperor save my sides!"

I'm shooting her my best not amused face, a level of deadpan only a corpse could best.

"A man who just fought a dozen orks! Oh my emperor!" She burst into full on hysterics, hands dropping to her knees to stay upright. At some point during her minute long giggle fit I got up.

"Okay... Whew... I'm fine" she suppressed another wave of giggles. And waves an arm in my general direction, all the while staring at the ground.

"The fuck was that?" At this point my shits to give meter has hit zero.

"Pardon?" A hint of hint of my own sentiment in her voice.

"You just laughed at me for a straight minute."

"Uhhh huh" her grin subsides into a smirk

"I thought sisters were complete fanatics with no sense of humour"

She raises an eyebrow at that.

"Consider me an outlier then, and count yourself lucky, any other sister would kill you for staring at her arse."

"It's a nice ass, can you bla-" I chocked mid-sentence. "Oh fuck. I should not have said that"

Her eyebrows are about to detach from her face and achieve flight.

Her grin flickers back across her face.

"Turn around" a hint of mischief creeps into her tone.

"Wha- what?"

"Turn around"

As ordered, I about turn and face away from her, all the while wondering what the hell she's doing.

"Hm, I've seen better, not bad though."

"What the fuck!?" I'm halfway turned back around when her gauntleted hand hits my backside, and sends me sprawling onto the leaf strewn floor.

"Oh god your little face was priceless!" She descends into another giggle fit. "But seriously not bad though... Nothing on when I snuck into the space marines barracks when I was a tryo... Emperors pauldrons that was a heavenly ass."

I'm dead. Only explanation, dead and this is some daemon taunting me.

"What? I was a teenager once too" expression blank, engage disbelief.

"Excuse me if I'm getting this wrong. An adepta sororitas, who I literally just saw slaughtering greenskins. Just commented on my ass."

"Yep"

"And she also snuck in to a space marine's barracks, when she was a teenager, to see them naked"

"Showers to be specific"

"I've found the weirdest sister ever." She nods to the side in acknowledgement.

"Yeah, pretty much... In any case, we should probably start moving, I can smell more orks" she wrinkles her nose at something I, with my feeble mortal senses can't smell.

And with that, walks on. After about five seconds, she looks over her shoulder. "Are you coming guardsman? Or are you going to wait for our green friends?" I quickly gather myself, get off my arse, and jog after her. "Um. Yeah, of course, sorry."

This has been a weird fucking day.

Reviews n stuff are appreciated, ("Lel that that was so gey" does not count as a review) if you like, give some ideas you'd like to see, even a self-insert character, if they sound interesting and on theme, I might use them, (I'll credit you if I do)


	2. Chapter 2

Wow, and thanks for the reviews guys, it means a lot. I've taken the ideas on board, and I'll hope to be using them in upcoming chapters.

Special thanks to Raigel, theluckyshot and, most of all, my very favourite review BIBOTOT, that one made my day. Go on. Read it... I know you're reading ahead to the story without reading that review. Yeah? Now you understand why I love it. Also thanks to fireburnswell, rocking name. Humble servant of the emperor, ask and thou shalt receive.

"Ranger! Report." The haft of the Eldar's spear, thumps the baked earth rhythmically, each impact sending up a small dust cloud. The ranger takes a knee, and inclines his head upwards to meet her eyes, or the eyepieces of her helmet, at any rate. "The mon'keigh do not yet know of our presence, and the orks have done as expected"

The spear stops tapping.

"Perfect... You have done well."

The ranger squirms, not wanting to mar his 'perfect' report.

"Well my Farseer... There is another thing."

The tapping restarts, a slower, more deliberate beat.

"Go on ranger"

"The mon'keigh we thought were annihilated by the greenskins... Two escaped"

The farseers aura changes swiftly from her usual calmness to rising annoyance.

"Details, ranger. Quickly" she snaps, her spear hitting the ground with enough force to embed it several inches into the dirt.

"W-well, um" he takes a few seconds to compose himself.

"A female and a male, the female is equipped with power armour and is a competent fighter, the male, none to speak of and somewhat effective in combat."

The farseer sighs and brings her hands up to her head, about to start massaging her temples, until her fingers hit wraithbone. "You may leave, ranger. Tail the mon'keigh, I want a report on the hour every hour"

The ranger leaves without a word, the moment he is out of earshot, she leans heavily on her spear. "Every time the paths of fate seem clear, more damned complications"

"Wakey wakey, rise and shine" I open my left eye a crack. Standing above me, with a little too wide smile, is a sister of battle. Nope, never going to stop being weird. "Good morning..." My grogginess seems to amuse her, then again what doesn't. "Are you going to get up... Or just lie there?"

I open my eyes fully.

"I'm guessing option 2 isn't an option" she smiles innocently and summons her most girly voice. "Not unless you want an ork to rip out all of your teeth to use as currency" I grimace and push myself up onto my elbows. "Don't suppose they'd take throne gelt?" She laughs and offers a hand. "Guardsmen get paid?" I gratefully take the offered hand and haul myself to my feet. "Yes, but you have to live long enough" she restrains a giggle, and raps her knuckles on my breastplate. "You get given armour, shouldn't be too hard to not die."

"Well, your armour versus mine... I think I know what's better" I shoot her my best sarcastic grin. "Now now guardsman, less of the sass, I can legally execute you where you stand for insubordination." That wide smile again. "And loose your friendly neighbourhood meat shield?" She plants a boot in the smouldering remains of last nights fire, crushing the embers, to cover our tracks, not that orks are world class trackers but it pays to be cautious, and collects her chainsword from beside the tree she slept against. "Well, one more thing that isn't me for them to shoot at is always good..." She smiles at me, almost caring, but not quite. "Alright, let's roll... I have no idea what your name is..." I'm kind of surprised we didn't get past the name swapping stage... Although there were more important issues, like not dying. "I never told you did I... Well then, my name is Serasina Delatina Imalio." If I have to say that every time I swear... "Call me Serah if that's too much of a mouthful" oh good. "Well then Sarah" "Serah. Ser-ahh" "oh okay, my names jax." She looks a little quizzically at me. "Just, Jax?" "Well, yes, grew up on a hive world, most people use their hive level and block as their last name, I stopped using it when I left" she looks quite shocked, that's a first. "So... Just Jax?" Savour it while it lasts, she'll be back into full sarcasm in a minute. "Well Jax idrodin 4,27, but that sounds daft." Her face lights up. "Jax Idrodine... That sounds good, why not use that?" I nod slowly. "Yeah... Why not... Hey thanks ser.." Her hand leaps up to cover my face. Her expression serious, and steeled. "Sh. Someone's nearby" Ouch, that kinda hurt,hey can you stop that. "Mmmmmmfffffppppppfffff"

"Sh" apparently not. Then I hear it, the crunch of heavy metal boots. She scans the horizon, eyes darting between trees. "Orks, damn it." At this point she seems to be approaching murder like a bored administratum scribe. Her hand drops from my mouth. "I have my knife, and a grenade, couple of las packs too." She looks at me, amused.

"Oy! Deyz da humies that done beat da boyz yesturday!" Silence. "Well go bloody hit the gitz!" Oh fuck. "WAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH" at least 20 orks decided that my bones looked far too unbroken, and were about to endeavour to remedy the situation. Beside me, serah's chainsword roared into life.

-"the mon'keigh have engaged a force of orks, eleven to one odds, how do we proceed, my farseer?" She replies with a soft murmur, barely comprehensible, before she answers proper. "Stay with the plan."

HOLY FUCKING SHIT THERE IS SO MUCH LEAD IN THE AIR. "Come on then you xenos sons of bitches!" I pull back around the tree as chunks of wood explode off. Okay, you have a knife, a grenade and three laspacks... Okay... Wait. I have duct tape. I'm a genius. "Jax what the fuck are you doing?!" "Can't talk now. Genius" in hindsight, taping 3 laspacks to a grenade doesn't count as genius, but fuck it, it'll go boom. I stuck my head around the tree, aimed a bit, then threw the damn thing as hard as I could. My makeshift bomb landed somewhere in the middle of the group of orks currently attempting deforestation via the medium of dakka. "Oy boss, wots that d'ya fink?" The explosion is deafening. first the grenade detonates, a fraction of a second later the laspacks follow suit, explosively discharging enough energy for 200 shots of a standard charge lasgun.

"HELL FUCKING YES! EAT THAT YOU GREEN BASTARDS!" Jumping around out of cover shouting may have been a poor idea, as bullets once more started to whizz past me. Back behind the tree, shit shit shit shit shit, I only have a knife. Shit.

"You cheeky git! Ya gibbed all me boyz!" A huge ork, with a powerclaw the size of my... Me. And a gun the size of 4 me's, yelled at the top of his (impressively loud) voice. "Now it is my turn." Serah revved her chainsword loudly. "It is time to put you where you belong, green skin!" She dropped her shoulder, and charged. In hindsight, probably a bad idea. She slashed towards him with abandon, he caught her blade, and threw her. "Oh shit." Her last words escaping before she hit a tree. "Not so tough now eh? Stupid git. Now how's about the little one?" Fuck fuck fuck fuckiddy fuck... Okay, compose yourself... I'm gonna fucking die. "

Come on then you big green fuck!" A knife versus a 10 foot tall ork, nice one genius. "I'm gonna rip you to bits humie, yer 'ead 'll look real good on me boss pole!" Oh god emperor fucking no. He laughed in my face, tiny globules of spit hitting me. With a barely audible high pitched whine, A tiny red hole appeared In his chest. Another, and another. "Oh... Zog it." He fell face first, his jaw cracking on impact, making the forest floor judder. Serah, Is she okay, shit. I ran over to her, knelt down and shook her shoulder. "Mhnnmnnnnnmnnnnn". Well she's alive, that's one thing. "Come on we have to go, now!" "Mmmbbbbnnnnnff" she rolled over to face the tree and buried her face in her hands. I'm so fucked.

The smell of ozone fills my nostrils as a deep humming noise thrums for a split second. Tightening my grip around the knife, I spring up, and slash wildly. The white-clad figure behind me dodges nimbly, but the follow up strikes them in the side. Haha, gotcha bitch. My knife stops dead against their chestplate, a jolt runs up my arm, and my fingers spasm, releasing their grip around the knife. "Erm, this is awkward" a swift backhand catches me across the face, and sends me sprawling to the leaf littered floor.

"I would not call dropping your only weapon, 'awkward'" The xeno's voice is slightly robotic, yet tuneful. "Great, I'm going to get insulted before I die." The xeno lifts their... It's? Head back and laughs. "Perhaps you will wish I had killed you." They look straight at me, silent. "What are you doing?" ~rendering you unconscious~ That came from INSIDE MY HEAD YOURE NOT TALKING. ~please do quieten down there's two of us in here now~ OKAY WHAT THE FUUUuuuu... Woa, that feels straaannngggeeeee...

Fuck my head feels like lead. Shiiiit. Ugh it feels like I went eight rounds with an ogryn. That was a weird bloody dream, sister of battle, xenos, all kinds of shit. Well at least it was just a dream. "In the name of the emperor I will kill you witch!" The yelling is followed by a thud, a cracking sound, and panicked footsteps. I cautiously open an eye. Serah is standing with her fist against a huge glass pane, covering an entire wall, the others are plain white, the only furniture a pair of beds at opposite sides, one of which I am currently occupying. "Serah?" She looks at me confused, fist still pressed against the glass pane. "Yes? Can't you see I'm in the middle of something here" I slump back into the bed. "Shit I thought it was a dream!" ~it's not a dream~ GET OUT OF MY HEAD. ~hm, perhaps if you had any mental defences at all this would be harder~ in response to this I imagine stabbing the voice with the biggest sword imaginable. ~that's not how it works~ shit.

Another thump. Another cracking noise, more panicked scuffling. I sigh loudly and roll out of bed, patting myself down I find my knife gone. Well at least I still have my cardboard armour. "Are you gonna help jax?" Serah gestures to the glass pane, with a few spidering cracks in it. Only now do I notice the few xenos on the other side, the one who knocked me out and another in a robe, standing calmly, and about 4 more, running about like headless chickens.

Serah slams her fist into the pane again, the cracks spreading more. Sending the xenos into even more of a frenzy. I clench my fist, run forwards and swing it hard into the glass. Upon impact the cracks lengthen a little. And a painful jolt shoots up my arm. "Fuck!" Ow ow ow ow ow ow. "Shiiittt. You're wearing power armour, shoulda thought about that." She punches again, looking at me. "You idiot"

Nursing my bruised hand, I step closer, and lash out with my heavy boot. Leaving a black scuff mark, and advancing the cracks. Her next punch extends them about five times what my kick managed.

Right, slightly embarrassing... Hm. Maybe? No... Fuck it why not. I walk over to the bed, cock my head, and look at it. It's mounted on four legs, and affixed to the wall somehow. I put my boot against the wall, wrap my hands around the frame, and wrench on it. With an earsplitting metallic screech, the metal shears, taking a chunk of the wall with it, the bed rips free. Okay, part two of the plan. The bed is decently heavy, about 60 kilos, so it takes a bit of effort to drag it over to the window. All the while Serah is looking at me like I'm insane. When I reach the window, after about 20 seconds of loud grunting, I look up at her while panting a little. "Battering ram." Her eyebrows leap up. And she grabs one side of it, and lifts it easily. With considerably more effort, I manage to heft the other side. She looks at me, and nods. "On three. One, two." Simultaneously, we both straighten up, heave the bed into the air, and swing it forwards. "Three!" The bed collides with the glass, jolts a little, then the glass gives way, and the bed continues on its merry way, dragging the pair of us with it. Through a hail of glass shards. As the bed careens towards the two xenos standing in the middle of the room, the one who knocked me out turns to run, the robed one stands still and unphased. A question flies across my brain for a moment, why the fuck are they not moving? The bed collides with an invisible wall. As the bed stops, our momentum carried us forwards, and we land, sprawled across the floor at the robed xeno's feet. That's why they didn't move.

"An impressive show of ingenuity and brute strength Mon'Keigh. Unfortunately it pales in comparison to the power of the mind." Serah leaps up and throws all of her weight into a punch, that, to her credit, made the xeno flinch a little as it bounced off the invisible wall. "Damnable witch!" So, invisible walls and talking in my head. ~I'm a psyker if you haven't guessed.~ you're in my head, you know I guessed. ~yes, and a great many things besides. I'm sorry about your teddy bear.~ he got blown up its old news. ~poor mr cuddles~ oh fuck off, stop reading my mind. ~no~.

With considerable effort, nursing my bruised and battered body, I rise to my feet. "Hey xeno, are you going to stop fucking with us and tell us why you're fucking with us?" Serah's eyebrows leap into the stratosphere. "YOURE GOING TO TALK TO IT?" Her voice fades a little, and she looks confused. "That's... At least seven types of heresy..."

And that's where we'll end this chapter, on a cliffhanger. Because I'm mean. Seeya again in like... 6 months. Nah I'm kidding, I'm on a roll, more story coming soon.

If you want to leave me a review, that's awesome, I really do love reading them, constructive criticism is welcome and idiocy will be mocked, *cough* BIBOTOT *cough*


	3. Chapter 3

Brushing bits of glass off myself, I finally got a good look at the xeno holding us… 'captive'. As seemed to be the norm for this species, she was slim and graceful, wearing form-fitting and exquisitely curved armour that appeared to be so thin it must be nigh useless. She gazed at us

"Mon'keigh, you amuse me with your notions of heresy." Sarah huffed quietly and crossed her arms over her chest. "Unless Jax here was planning a romantic tryst with me, I certainly wouldn't call it that."

Jaw. Meet floor.

Sarah looked with a rather gormless expression at the robed Xeno before us.

"Wait how do you know his name?" Sarah pulled a rather amusing confused face.

"You mean besides the fact it's stitched onto his breastplate?" The xeno gave the helmeted version of an eyebrow raise. A slight tilt of the head.

 _We both full well know it's because you're inside my head. ~_ Yes, but I would rather not tell the zealot that.~ _She'd probably try to kill you. ~_ I am mildly surprised you are not trying to fight me~ _Oh yeah that'd go well, unarmed guardsman, vs xeno psyker. ~Too true~_

"Jax? Are you okay?" Sarah looked at me, with her head cocked to one side, interrupting the telepathic conversation. _Yeah, I'm fine._

…

"Jax?" _Oh shit yeah._

"Yeah I'm fine, I mean, this situation is a little weird, trying to wrap my head around it." I shrugged, and plastered my best, 'I don't know what the fuck is going on' face on.

"Speaking of… DIE YOU DAMNABLE WIT-….. FUCK" Sarah's fist slammed into the psychic barrier and bounced off. "FUCKING DIE" Her fist slammed into it again, the xeno not even flinching. She lashed out with her foot, then threw her shoulder into the intangible barrier, before repeatedly hammering on it with her fist.

"Are you quite done mon'keigh? " The xeno had crossed her arms in a condescending mother kind of way.

Sarah replied by staring daggers at her. Probably a bad idea against someone who could actually stare daggers.

"Riiiggghhhtttt… erm… so. Why haven't you just killed us. I mean, it's fairly obvious you could if you tried."

"Indeed I could. No, I have a purpose in mind for you" She paced slowly forwards, forcing sarah back with the advancing wall, while curving it around me. Strange, if I concentrated hard enough, I could see it, a blueish paper-thin wall.

"And you assume we will serve your purpose willingly, witch?" Sarah, bowed her head, and spat at her feet.

"You have no choice other than to comply with me, or I'll just kill you and find someone else"  
I crossed my arms over my chest in what I hoped was a defiant pose.  
"Why not do it yourself if you're so much better than humans xeno?"

She looked at me for a solid second, then replied with a triumphant tone.  
"Because you're expendable, your lives are insignificant compared to an eldar's. If you die, nothing is lost."

Up until now, I had looked at Serah with a sort of hazy awe, believing her to be, as my primer put it 'the emperors will made manifest, an unstoppable force'. I mean, she'd fallen unconscious after being hurled at a tree by the biggest ork I'd ever seen, but I wouldn't have been surprised if I saw that thing smack a baneblade into unconsciousness. But now, I finally saw the past days of non-stop punishment take a toll on her. She pushed herself to standing, leaning heavily on the immaculate white wall.  
"Just tell us what you want you insufferable creature."

"I want you to save your planet."

...what.

"What?"  
"What?"  
Me and Sarah stared at her with disbelief.

"Naturally. I wouldn't exactly trust you with saving us, now would I?"

I swear that damn xeno was grinning behind her expressionless mask.

"So" I paused for a second to try to adequately express myself. "You just wanted us to save the planet?"

"Well. Give you a nudge in the right direction."

Serah looked at her suspiciously. "You call kidnapping a nudge?"  
In a bizarre movement, which I would later come to recognise at a glance, the xeno placed her hands on either side of her helmet, and with a barely audible click, the faceplate of her helmet detached, falling into her hands. Leaving her face framed by thin strips of... Whatever her armour was made of. Her face, it must be said, was astonishingly beautiful. I personally found Serah's more rugged features more appealing but, the xeno's face, it was perfectly symmetrical. high cheekbones framing smooth flowing features, almond eyes and a defined nose, with Raven black hair. It took all my willpower just to meet those eyes, they were more intimidating than the mask, they seemed to look right through me. Looking back the gesture had obviously been calculated to shake me, but at the time it had obviously worked.

Without having to get through her helmet, via the medium of advanced xeno vox casters if I was to hazard a guess, her voice took on a different, all together more appealing tone.  
"A little heavy handed perhaps, not what I had originally intended, but the only combat effective mon'keigh for a hundred miles were about to be killed, and had the ranger just shot him for you, you'd have started to ask questions."

I thought for a moment. "So... You were tailing us the whole time"

A smile pricked the sides of her mouth. "Yes... since you escaped the ork assault." She was obviously revelling in the supposed superiority of her species, and to be fair, nor I or serah has noticed, at least if she had she didn't tell me.

To my incredible surprise serah spoke to the xeno with... Some level of friendliness. "Well. I suppose... I should... Thank... You." Well I say friendliness, a begrudging feeling of obligation more like.  
The xeno's smirk widened. "Well, I suppose you're welcome, and, seeing as we're all in a more... Amicable mood, we could take this conversation somewhere with less..." She gestured to the mess we'd made of the holding cell. Glass (or whatever the xeno used in place of it) was everywhere and the twisted remains of my bed were lying abandoned in the midst of the floor.  
I spoke with some trepidation, I must admit I had been formulating a plan of scooping up a sizeable chunk of sharp looking glass that was resting next to my left boot to stab something, anything vaguely non human really, if affairs deteriorated. Any more than capture by Xenos, at any rate.  
"Um... Yeah... I suppose."  
Well a glass shiv was hardly going to be effective where a power armoured fist wasn't.  
"Lead the way."


End file.
